What up Braddah. I'm not ready to leave NY yet...I just wonder if its ready for me!! So much BS surrounding job-hunting, as I'm sure you know. Hopefully, I can just get something until September and then start school. If I don't get into any schools then its gonna be a bummer. Oh well, I'll persevere. I do love Cali. My sis lived in SF for a few years and then moved up to Sebastapol area, near Sonoma and Santa Rosa I think. So nice up there. I like the whole state (except LA) from what I've seen. People are different though--definite East Coast/West Coast difference I find. Although where you are and SF etc. there are so many transplants and its cosmopolitan so it takes on a vibe of its own that can't properly be called Californian. But I digress. Or do I?
For me, I still like NYC. Only other place I'd think about is further east...London, Paris, Istanbul. I'd like to work for Barclays or BNP Paribas or one of those European banks when I finish one of these programs. Don't tell anyone though--gotta keep the street cred. Did you hear about the 31 year old equities trader at Societe Generale, the French bank? Fucking guy was using 50 billion to trade index futures. His losses accumulated to about 7 billion US. The irony is that supposedly he was actually way ahead, and then purposely tried to lose money because his gains would have exceeded his mandate--only the losses began to grow faster than he could handle. I think if he had gone to his boss and said "Sir, I have made ze company billions of dollarz, even zo I broke ze rules" his boss would've probably said "Never ever break the rules again. And by the way, you're promoted." Oh what a tangled web we weave.
In other news, you get to go skiing at all (not cocaine, the real kind) so far? Hows the neck? Hows Elaine? And whats up with the therapist? Just to talk things out or are you having problems or what? You can talk to me man. Seriously. Well not talk, but write. I studied philosophy you know. I know the answers to the meaning of life. The rub for me comes down to whether there is free will or determinism. I mean, did you ever see Lawrence of Arabia: "Nothing is written" Lawrence (Peter O'Toole) says. Because the Arabs always say "Insh'allah" (if God wills it). This is the basic point of the existentialists: that there is no "essence" to be discovered, that existence precedes essence. This existential freedom can cause great Angst, as Kierkegaard writes about--because we are so radically free, there is nothing to refer to to say "oh yeah, no I've found the 'right way'" etc. Kierkegaard's answer (apologies to Kierkegaard for summarizing the philosophy he took 5,000 pages and 4 different pseudonyms to explain but) is that instead of living life freely as a libertine, chasing after a series of unrelated "experiences" we must make commitments and ultimately, make a commitment to the absurd idea that THROUGH our very choice, we create/discover Reality. Of course Kierkegaard was a Christian. Nietszche writes about overcoming this loss of God (of an essential, transcendent reality) through aesthetic endeavor; his point is that it shouldn't be a depressing idea that there is no "reality" or "right way" or "real self" to be discovered, but that we should be happy that we get to live our lives as our own creations. Of course, Nietzsche eventually went crazy and lived with his mom and sister till he died. But the idea is good.
The thing is, all these philosophers are saying that the idea that there is no "right way" to be discovered can be a heavy and burdensome concept--as we are then responsible for ourselves and the outcomes of our lives--but the flip side to this is that we are able to live our lives as we wish to create them. Our life can be like our own novel. For me this is a freeing idea--if I ever feel overwhelmed I just think about myself in history or my life as a novel. Because who wants to read a novel about someone who gets straight A's through high school and college and then works there way up through the ACME corporation and retires to Florida to golf and then dies. Not a bestseller.
But on the other hand from all the existential stuff, when I have deja-vu, I really think, oh yeah, there is a determinism, there is a destiny, you know? Not to get too pop-sciency here, but all the new crazy discoveries/theories in quantum physics/string theory etc. sound similar to all this. Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, multiple dimensions, parallel universes.
Who knows, is the correct answer? But good thing--what if there was no mystery?? That is Hell. Ever see the Twilight Zone episode where the gambler "goes to heaven." He is there, girls are easy and he wins every hand, hand after hand of cards, he keeps winning. And then he realizes, he's not in heaven but in hell!! Spooky. A good piece of advice I heard recently from an unlikely source (I don't consider myself much of a Mormon), Mitt Romney said his dad told him "Do not despair, but even if you despair, work on."
I'm definitely having a bit of an early mid-life crisis here. I mean, I don't even have a job, I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years (live-in!) and I'm living with my parents!! Ha! Its so ridiculous, I can't even get that upset about it. Its absurd! But, perseverance. Like Nietszche says "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I definitely believe that. Also getting laid here once in a while which always helps. Snuck a girl I met in the bar into my bedroom on Christmas eve for a nice early morning Christmas present. Ahhh, heathen! I like to think of it as recreating the conception (except I'm guessing she wasn't a virgin).
Anyway, don't mean to pontificate, its just I'm thinking about some of the same shit you are probably. I know there is more to life than making money and a good job--I mean, thats been my modus operandi since I was about 15 years old. But still, I'm at a time in my life, I think like even biologically, where I just want to be making dough and telling people what to do and running shit. And instead, I'm drinking coffee and playing computer chess at my parents house on a cold rainy day when I was tan and surfing Hawaii 2 months ago. Even so, I'm happier now than I was 2 months ago because I was frustrated there. Work on (and rock on?). Aight, like they say bout Makena...'nuff already!
